I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
