So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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