some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
