If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dignity is for republicans.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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