I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
