i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
