Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
