i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
