Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
