I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
