What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
