I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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