I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
