basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
