so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
