You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
