I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
