I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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