I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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