I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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