We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
