Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
