i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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