Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
