Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
