my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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