did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
