and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
