So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
