your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
