ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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