We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
