6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
