i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
