I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
