Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
