I'm sorry my penis didn't work
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
