____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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