i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want a musical about memes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
