4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
