I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
