you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Randomize
