I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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