You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
