How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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