Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
