I have demons in me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
