nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
