Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
