your thong is hanging out like whoa
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
