I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
